Mornings!

I love mornings. During the holidays I was just sleeping till noon, but now –finally!- they’re over. Yeah, I said “finally”. I didn’t like Christmas this year. Actually I got a feeling that I don’t like holidays in general. (That might be pure crap, but you know how it’s like when you don’t have anything to do. So that crossed my mind) Maybe it was just that I got sick and wasn’t even in the mood to go out, so I got too much time on the computer which is never good. But I’m not here to nag. I just want to say, I’ve missed mornings. And I love waking up at 6am and having to take 2 buses and spend an hour and a half there to get to the university. I was reading a book, and I had juice, and everything was so lovely and simple :)

I'm not tired enough to go to bed.

Dale just left. I'm a little dizzy. I didn't drink much but it's bedtime i guess. I was planning on doing much more on this day. It would be all so fun, i would go out and celebrate (?) but... no. New Year's eve was nice, but nothing really happened. Except that i managed to get 2 of my best friends to hate me, and i couldn't even prove how right i was. Well, it's not really my fault. We were saying we'll go out today since summer or so, but nothing was really planned. Actually, we didn't really know where to go this afternoon. Then we started "organizing" stuff. Capsule said we should go to Efficacy's place (cause E lives closer to C than i do. What a jerk, right?) and that she'd just tell me what kind of booze she wanted me to bring over. And then i said, you know what, screw it. I'm not in the mood to go out, i'm still getting over a cold. And Dale was with me. She lives across the street so a quiet night at my place was great for her too. So i told them we wouldn't go... And then both of them got so mad at me, Efficacy said she'll hate me forever and all that colorful stuff. But whatever.
I should really make new year's resolutions including not hating my friends all the time (and then loving them to death and then switching back like nothing's happening). Gods...

For the record, I don't anymore

Not that much anyway. There are stuff about life that are always interesting. But i'm now supposedly an adult. I'm still 17, but i mean i'm in the university and stuff, so i'm KIND OF starting to be an adult. And i notice many things that i don't like that much, and they annoy me. I couldn't see them earlier i guess. I sometimes feel like i'm thirteen and discovering the world and seeing how everything sucks all over again. But now it's worse cause i see more stuff. Or more important ones.
Like the more you grow up, the more doors you close. I now know that i'll never be a radio producer, or a psychologist, or other random jobs that i've found kind of interesting over the years. It's really sudden that some woman comes into a class, sees 160 people and tells us, "in 4 years or so, you'll have your degree and you'll be THIS". I'm kind of in a shock, how can she defines us like that? Or... did i define myself by getting in this thing? It's really so weird that suddenly, my friends and i are in different places, in different words really. We'll grow up and talk about our jobs, and they'll be different. And i'll always envie some people. Should i do this to myself? Let me grow old and be a... whatever i will be? Will i grow old and have so much jealousy for graphic designers? Will i become grumpy and unhappy because of that? Will i be unhappy?
Am i unhappy now? It's all too much...
Also, i'm having a bit of a social issue. But i won't ramble about that one now cause i have to go to bed soon, see i have to wake up at 6am in the mornings.

PS: Can i ever say what i mean to say? I wanted to write about how i'm not that miserable now, but instead it's like i had to prove the oposite. :D

As a dear friend always said;

I hate my miserable life.

It's funny how feelings make you actually ache.

I do stuff without thinking of people's feelings. Maybe cause i don't realize they (people's feelings) exist. Now that i realize they do, i feel so terrible. Physically even. But at some point, it's great. It makes things more real, and it makes me not want to mess around anymore.

I can't wait till Christmas.

I actually wanted to write about the summer that passed.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm still on holidays. Kind of. I mean i have all the free time in the world and i don't even know until when. This Friday i have to go to the university thingy and give them some papers so that i'll officially be a student of it. It's weird... I had to go to school today to get some papers. It just felt normal being there, i can't believe i'm not in high school anymore. But i think i'll be fine and i'm sort of excited about my new life. I'll have to be in buses and metro for like an hour and a half every morning (why doesn't anybody believe i'm actually going to go to classes everyday? I don't want to skip!!) which is cool for me cause i don't mind them, i actually like being in buses for some reason. Tomorrow i'll try going there by myself to see if i can get there without getting lost. (i have to switch 2 buses and a metro between those two) It will be fun i guess.
Anyway. My point is... I think i need to make new year's resolutions. And no, i don't care that the calendar is not changing, i think that getting into university and stuff is way more important, and the real change is now. Anyway. Do you have any ideas? I've thought of some stuff...
Like, i always have a million questions every day. I have serious issues, i don't know how a lot of things work, what words mean, who some people are... And i'm so used to it that i never ask. It's not even that i'm used to it actually, just that it can be really embarassing when i don't know basic stuff. So, i'll get a notebook and write that stuff down. And then i have to find the answers and write them down too (cause there are things i ask people about all the time and then forget them, that's an issue too). I think it would seriously make my life easier and better.
And then maybe i should let myself feel more stuff. I've been doing this thing for a while, called denial or whatever, and i just don't let things touch me sometimes. And it's not always a conscious decision. (But sometimes it is, maybe it started that way.) And i've turned into this feeling nothing creature. Well not exaclty. But to some point. I can't focus on stuff and see what's happening sometimes, i just hear words describing a situation but i don't feel it. I'm really proud to say that there's some progress in that, because... well. i think i'm sort of kind of maybe falling in love a little. Heh. Yeah i'm actually proud of that.
Er, anyway. I think i rambled enough.
PS: EVERYtime i write something on this blog, i feel the need to do it more often, daily even. How do i end up having one post every month?! Jesus.

ommigosh

This person i've had a crush on since christmas is hitting on me! I'm so hyper right now.

Ebony. Listen to "Make your own kind of music".
And do.

Ropi. I'm in love with the "ha ha" line that kid says and i was saying it all the time -for fun- until i realized it actually sounds mean.

Yeah, i'm not exactly keeping in touch, i know.