For the record, I don't anymore

Not that much anyway. There are stuff about life that are always interesting. But i'm now supposedly an adult. I'm still 17, but i mean i'm in the university and stuff, so i'm KIND OF starting to be an adult. And i notice many things that i don't like that much, and they annoy me. I couldn't see them earlier i guess. I sometimes feel like i'm thirteen and discovering the world and seeing how everything sucks all over again. But now it's worse cause i see more stuff. Or more important ones.
Like the more you grow up, the more doors you close. I now know that i'll never be a radio producer, or a psychologist, or other random jobs that i've found kind of interesting over the years. It's really sudden that some woman comes into a class, sees 160 people and tells us, "in 4 years or so, you'll have your degree and you'll be THIS". I'm kind of in a shock, how can she defines us like that? Or... did i define myself by getting in this thing? It's really so weird that suddenly, my friends and i are in different places, in different words really. We'll grow up and talk about our jobs, and they'll be different. And i'll always envie some people. Should i do this to myself? Let me grow old and be a... whatever i will be? Will i grow old and have so much jealousy for graphic designers? Will i become grumpy and unhappy because of that? Will i be unhappy?
Am i unhappy now? It's all too much...
Also, i'm having a bit of a social issue. But i won't ramble about that one now cause i have to go to bed soon, see i have to wake up at 6am in the mornings.

PS: Can i ever say what i mean to say? I wanted to write about how i'm not that miserable now, but instead it's like i had to prove the oposite. :D

As a dear friend always said;

I hate my miserable life.

It's funny how feelings make you actually ache.

I do stuff without thinking of people's feelings. Maybe cause i don't realize they (people's feelings) exist. Now that i realize they do, i feel so terrible. Physically even. But at some point, it's great. It makes things more real, and it makes me not want to mess around anymore.

I can't wait till Christmas.

I actually wanted to write about the summer that passed.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm still on holidays. Kind of. I mean i have all the free time in the world and i don't even know until when. This Friday i have to go to the university thingy and give them some papers so that i'll officially be a student of it. It's weird... I had to go to school today to get some papers. It just felt normal being there, i can't believe i'm not in high school anymore. But i think i'll be fine and i'm sort of excited about my new life. I'll have to be in buses and metro for like an hour and a half every morning (why doesn't anybody believe i'm actually going to go to classes everyday? I don't want to skip!!) which is cool for me cause i don't mind them, i actually like being in buses for some reason. Tomorrow i'll try going there by myself to see if i can get there without getting lost. (i have to switch 2 buses and a metro between those two) It will be fun i guess.
Anyway. My point is... I think i need to make new year's resolutions. And no, i don't care that the calendar is not changing, i think that getting into university and stuff is way more important, and the real change is now. Anyway. Do you have any ideas? I've thought of some stuff...
Like, i always have a million questions every day. I have serious issues, i don't know how a lot of things work, what words mean, who some people are... And i'm so used to it that i never ask. It's not even that i'm used to it actually, just that it can be really embarassing when i don't know basic stuff. So, i'll get a notebook and write that stuff down. And then i have to find the answers and write them down too (cause there are things i ask people about all the time and then forget them, that's an issue too). I think it would seriously make my life easier and better.
And then maybe i should let myself feel more stuff. I've been doing this thing for a while, called denial or whatever, and i just don't let things touch me sometimes. And it's not always a conscious decision. (But sometimes it is, maybe it started that way.) And i've turned into this feeling nothing creature. Well not exaclty. But to some point. I can't focus on stuff and see what's happening sometimes, i just hear words describing a situation but i don't feel it. I'm really proud to say that there's some progress in that, because... well. i think i'm sort of kind of maybe falling in love a little. Heh. Yeah i'm actually proud of that.
Er, anyway. I think i rambled enough.
PS: EVERYtime i write something on this blog, i feel the need to do it more often, daily even. How do i end up having one post every month?! Jesus.

ommigosh

This person i've had a crush on since christmas is hitting on me! I'm so hyper right now.

Ebony. Listen to "Make your own kind of music".
And do.

Ropi. I'm in love with the "ha ha" line that kid says and i was saying it all the time -for fun- until i realized it actually sounds mean.

Yeah, i'm not exactly keeping in touch, i know.

Thank you for opening my eyes.

I saw this on tv and almost started crying. They just-- They can't do that! I'm speechless, really. I just want to start screaming and swearing! "You all make us proud to be human beings"?! What the hell! I've never been more ashamed.

i've been

meaning to talk to you (that is write here). But i don't even talk to myself that much.
Summer is kinda lame. I'm feeling alone in a way. I'm not doing anything other than watching tv shows! But i heard that nobody is really doing anything, as we all thought we will, along with the excitement of having finished this freaking year, at last.
Oh well. It's ok. Not that bad. Oh. I spent 95€ in underwear and clothes today!

FREE KIDS!!!

Not as in, i'm giving away kids for free. As in, let them be in their own world!
There was this little girl on the bus, with her grandmother or something. I don't know since when i'm so sensitive about kids, it has to be a book i read, but that's not the point. The girl said that she wants to get married to this boy. Her grandmother was all like 'ah, you're too young to have a wedding! What kind of a wedding will that be?!' And saying stuff like 'You don't know much about marriage, that's why you're saying it... When you'll grow up and learn, then you'll think it over, ha ha ha'
It pissed me off! I really wanted to talk to that girl then and tell her that she's right, and if she thinks that she should marry this boy, then she should.
The thing is... They're telling young kids stuff they shouldn't. No matter why this thought came to her mind, it's nobody's right to tell her she's wrong! Even if she thought there were pink fluffy aliens on the bus, nobody should have the right to tell her 'that's never going to happen. You see, pink fluffy aliens don't exist.' Kids should have the right to believe what they want to believe, what they think is right, and not getting into stuff like 'ah, my mom said this is right and this is wrong'.
Yeah, sometimes this has to happen, cause it's not right to hit other kids. But even in this case, it should be more important understanding why you shouldn't hit other kids rather than just saying 'that's wrong'.

Become his cow with just one tablet

Oh kay... Well that was one of those creative things. I cut words from the paper and it's really fun making sentences with them. And in case you're wondering, no. I have nothing better to do. Actually i realized that i don't know how to use free time anymore. Cause i'm supposed to have homework all the time. And i freak out in weekends! I end up doing nothing all day cause i still have the feeling i have to waste time and avoid doing 'something'.
Pointless comic: http://www.explosm.net/comics/1139/

Yeah... It's 1 am and i'm doing nothing. I have to wake up tomorrow. Blah.

And now, I'm going to the greatest city on Earth! Goodbye home, hello Rome!
That was a quote from Lizzy McGuire. And i'm actually going to Rome next month. It's weird. I don't even wanna go there, i'm just going because someone else is going too... AND, of course, cause it's the last trip with school ever and-- AH. I don't want to leave school. It creeps me out. Enough of this, though.

I'm not really awake.
So long, suckers (i can't help it, i say that all the time. It took over my brain)

La neige!

It snowed!! Wow... I missed a test, 2 days of school and one lesson at φροντιστήριο! Hooray! It was great, though i didn't do anything but sitting here for 2 whole days. Oh well =)

Random updates, just because

1. All i want to do is lie around and watch the Simpsons all day.
2. Lately, i've been having dreams about my ex and i have no idea why. It's not even like i think about the whole thing. Last night i woke up cursing myself cause it happened again. I actually woke up thinking 'enough already!'
3. I felt the need to learn about Buddism. And i'm reading stuff about it.

Not like it surprises me, though...

I just don't get why someone would smoke. I really don't get why someone would start smoking at 17, too. I don't get many other things too, about it. Ok, so Capsule started smoking like 2 months ago and i didn't know until some weeks ago, when she all of a sudden told me not to comment, took a packet out of her bag and started smoking. The reason i didn't know is, that she can't stand me lecturing her... We actually had a whole conversation and she was annoyed that i care that much. She said there are so many things around us that are not good and she doesn't see me complaining about them. What annoys me the most is that she is convinced that i'm just closed-minded, and i hate smoking so much because i was raised 'with those beliefs'! I mean, seriously? I was coughing my lungs out the other day that i was around her smoking and she said it's just all in my head and if i weren't that convinced that it's bad i wouldn't mind that much...
...Anyway. I actually don't talk about it (i even feel like it's a taboo sometimes). But it does bug me, even when she doesn't do it in front of me. And i can't tell her... I mean she comes to hug me and i feel really bad. I hate the smell so much that i end up trying to avoid her! I find it hard to look at her sometimes, and it's not like i'm thinking of stuff,-- it just makes me feel like running away! Not as in she'll try to make me smoke too (she wouldn't, duh) or as in my friend is a punk, just... i feel like i'll die if i breath that shit.

I'm officially obsessed with little notebooks.
And hardcovers! x)

Rubbish. (i really like this word. heh)

We were having this lesson at the φροντιστήριο (scroll down to see what the heck that is), talking about expecting messiahs (In a political or social way, not talking about religion), saying, in a few words, that we shouldn't expect this perfect person to change everything, it just doesn't make sense that someone will suddenly appear and save us. It's also a kind of fanaticism when you think that way of someone cause he's just a person, and, well, it's not good.
At some point, my teacher said,
- Being in love is a form of expecting messiahs too, right? Believing that this one person is so great, they will change everything and you should follow them wherever they lead you to...
It's one of those things nobody really pays attention to, but i analyze it in my head and am a kinda shocked- when he said it i immediately nodded and realized i really agree to that.
When i say i was kinda shocked, it was cause i'm like... people actually believe that stuff and they think their lives revolve around something that's so... in their heads.
And i don't know... Realizing that also made me realize i don't believe in being in love anymore, and i felt kinda weird. I mean, yeah. I knew i don't believe in doing anything with anyone if you don't feel anything about them. But how are you supposed to suddenly feel stuff for someone..? How does this happen with a stranger, for example? I don't believe it happens.
I don't think i'll change my mind anytime soon, and i don't actually mind. I don't think being alone is bad. Actually, i'm TRYING to be alone lately.
- i was trying to make a point but nevermind, i hope you get it anyway-
I'm going out tomorrow and i'm so excited about going out by myself again. Not excited as in jumping around. It's in a calm way.

mommy, when i grow up i'll marry myself and we'll live happily ever after .

I think that if everyone saw things from my point of view, the world would be a better place... Ok. I KNOW this is one of the most selfish things to say. I also know that the world wouldn't be so nice if everyone was the same, we'd be ruined then. But you know what i mean.
I have those moments that i just want to laugh out because everyone is acting so weird. They're taking things SO seriously.
I don't know... The way i think lately is kinda weird. I can't explain. I wish i could -and think i will, eventually, but it will take ages. But it's a good change, i can say that.
Today was the first day of school, after the holidays. It was ok, i guess. But my first thought was "too much noise, too many people!!" I realized the other day, that being with myself a lot makes me happy. I feel a distance from people, and i don't think it's bad I mean it makes me feel good. And act less stupid. I also don't feel the need to think about them.
I also noticed that i'm naturally not myself around people. I'm standing there, everything is ok, and if i start talking to someone it's likely that i'll start complaining about stuff that i don't really mind.
I wanna spend more time with myself :|

i've been studying today...

and i felt like being creative in the process x)

Ch- ch- changes!

Wouldn't it be fun if I had to move in some other city next year? And I'd have to live by myself? I'm thinking about it lately. I guess I'd miss my friends but don't think it would be close to unbearable pain. I mean I was just away from Athens, for a week, during the holidays, and it was fine. I didn't miss much. I didn't even feel like my environment had changed -even though i was in a small village with no Starbucks there. I never expected to say that, but maybe I do need changes. And anyway, going to 'university' or something might be my only chance to live somewhere else, since i don't see myself ever deciding to leave Athens all of a sudden in any other case.
I always repeat I want my life to be stable, and think of being with the same person for, like, ever, but lately i'm starting to think differently. After all, i don't like doing the same things with the same people everyday, so why thinking that this will change 'then'? It's weird that i'm saying all that stuff, but i guess life can't be stable after all, so it's good as well.

PS: I don't know why i write every morning at 9 am x)

New year's resolutions

I was trying to think of a new year's resolution. Not because I think January 1st is different from any other day, but just because it's a 'chance' to make a promise to myself to do something and commit to it. But i can't think of anything that I could actually do, instead of just having it on my mind (like all the previous years' ones).
My resolutions are like my attempts to have a blog: There are some blogs i love reading, and they motivate me to do something like that. I have something in my head, and i get excited about the whole idea at first, but after a while i have nothing to write about, and-- i guess i know how this is going to end up like.
But i had to try now that i felt like it. One of the reasons is to stop my English skills from abandoning me.
Happy new year, whoever you are.